I Am The Greatest Dog In The World!

August 17, 2008

I is the most generous dog in the world!

I has learned a new word!
Even when you am a super genius like me you still can learn new stuff. That am hard to believe but it am true.
My new word it am GOURMET!
It means you loves your food! That means I is probably the greatest gourmet in the world because nobody can loves food as much as I do!
It also means you am very sophisticated. We all knows how sophisticated I is.
When you goes to eat what you has to do is ask the waiter, who, for me, am usually David. If you am guessing he am a terrible waiter you am guessing right. It am not very hard to guesses that!
What you has to do is you ask to smell the can lid! I has watched me a lot of movies and all them sophisticated gourmets like me am always smelling can lids and bottle caps!
When you am smelling that lid it am good manners to take a lick. That way you get a extra bite of food that your dumb old waiter was either going to steal for hisself or throw away!
After you has smelled the lid you has to say sophisticated stuff like, "Lamb & Rice, 2008 May, the grocery store."
You has to say that real loud so that people will looks at you and go "Oooo, what a sophisticated lady!"
Now some of you people has tried to be mean to me. You has said, "Shelby, stop being so mean to Blue!"
I IS NEVER MEAN. I is the nicest dog in the world! You know I is!
I couldn't be mean if I wanted to. And you am all pretty lucky I has a full schedule or I be coming around to bite all you butts!
Saying I is mean!
Look there. That am proof. See Blue and Robin am playing WITH MY TOY!!
Is I biting they butts? NO!
Even though Blue deserves his butt being bit for stealing my toys I is not biting his butt. I is so nice.
No what you can see is that I is busy thinking about what I is going to have for dinner and other very important stuff, like WHEN IS I GOING TO HAVE DINNER!
Even Blue, who am a stupid boy who steals a good girl's toys, knows I is not mean to him even when he deserves to be meaned to!
See, there he am smiling away. Would you be smiling if you knowed the toughest fighting dog in the world were going to be mean to you?
Not even A Blue boy who steals my toys would be that crazy! But I forgives you for thinking sweet little me could ever be mean. I really does.
I is going to prove it to you.
I is going to share a super secret with you.
It am a recipe.
Shelby food!
What am greater than that? I is just too generous to people especially people who calls me mean!
Not only am it Shelby food it am SHELBY ICE CREAM!
Did you just faint?
I bet you did! I don't blame you. This am very exciting!
Being ice cream this am very very healthy! IT IS! And you don't even need no adults to help you makes it!!
But let the adults buy the stuff to make it. That way you can save you nickels for super important stuff like mailing me some of the extra ice cream you has made to show that you is grateful I has forgived you or maybe just because you want to be as nice as me!
I will be out by the mailbox.

Shelby Ice Cream
32 oz non-fat all natural gelatin-free plain yogurt
1 mashed banana
2 T peanut butter (this am very important. Peanut butter has extra delicious vitamins!)
2 T honey

Mix all these ingredients in your blender or food processor or just stirs it all up real good. If you am rich you can uses a salt-less automatic ice cream maker. This makes this easy!
If you am not rich get you some of them 5 oz paper cups. Pour in all this raw ice creams and then freezes them up!
Then when you good dog am ready to have him a delicious treat, which am always when you am a gourmet like me, just takes out a cup and peels off the paper.
Then you will has you one very happy dog!
I is not being mean. I is still waiting out by the mailbox.
You has not mailed me my share of the Shelby Ice Creams!
I is not being mean. I is just noticing.
I is also noticing that my teethes am very very sharp.
Just noticing.

Posted by Shelby at 12:29 PM | Comments (4)

August 11, 2008

I has been busy laughing!

You want to know what I is really been laughing at?
I know you do. We all needs us to be laughing most of the time!
Look at that picture!
<-- That picture there.
You is thinking, "Oh my! Isn't Shelby the most beautiful dog you've ever seen!"
This is true but right after that you is thinking, "Gosh, what are Robin and Shelby looking at? They sure are looking hard! And it looks like they're laughing!"
Its am hard to take a picture of a laugh especially when you has a lousy photogetter like David.
I will tells you what we is laughing at!
IT AM BLUE!!!! He gotted hisself a haircut! LOOK!
Isn't that the funniest thing you has ever seed!
We were really laughing!
Now you am going, "Oh Shelby! Blue is very funny looking but it is not very nice of you to laugh at people because of the way they look! You are usually the nicest dog in the world!"
I IS the nicest dog in the world, that am true. See this is why I has to teach you stuff!
You just thinks a minute.
You should be saying, "Shelby is laughing at Blue. That is a mean thing to do. Shelby is not a mean girl, she is a good girl. So she must be laughing at Blue because he has been very very bad!"
See that am logic. It am something you doesn't use very much that am why I has to teaches it to you.
Blue were him very very bad!
When I tells you you won't believes it!
I was making David make us a delicious pizza. Oh, it were so beautiful. I made David puts on all these very delicious ingredients like cheese and then a little extra cheese.
It were a giant pizza. We loves our pizza around here! We all eats it and shares and we tells gossip and I tells jokes and between mouthfuls everybody always says, "Tell us another funny story, Shelby!"
And if you think it am because I can't eat and talk at the same time you is wrong! Cause I sure can talk and eat pizza at the same time! I is very talented.
Our pizza parties are the best! You can come over for one sometime. You bring the pizza!
I was trying to explain to dumb David that what our pizza needed were some delicious ice cream right on the top of it!
While I was telling him how delicious some good old creamy ice cream with some bacon sprinkles all over it would be you could see David's eyes going all funny like he was imagining just how delicious that pizza ala Shelby would be when you won't believe it!
I must have made that pizza sound so delicious that Blue couldn't stand it! He jumped up, grabbed the pizza from the counter and runned outside and ATE THE WHOLE THING BY HISSELF!!!
I couldn't believes it.
I stood there with my mouth open. That am what you do when you sees something you can't believes! Try it! Even if you doesn't see something you can't believe if you stand there with you mouth open and look like that pretty soon you will think there am all kinds of stuff you can't believe! It am a great trick!
So Blue ruined our great pizza party AND I DIDN'T GET ME NO PIZZA!
Even Robin were mad at Blue!
So to gets even with him when Blue were getting his haircut we made us a even gooder pizza and we had us a party without Blue!
We missed Blue being there but it were more fun talking about him and how sad he were going to be when he seed we had us a party without him!
Serves him right!
Oh he were terrible sad. Just terrible.
He said he were sorry and would never steal him no more pizza unless he shared it with me first.
I believes him because nobody am silly enough to want me to be mad at them!
Since he apologized and since I ended up getting me some pizza (even if it didn't have no delicious ice creams on it) I said, "Blue, since you know you weres a bad boy I will forgives you!"
See how great and kind I is.
I even gived him a kiss! See!
I still think David should have let me beat him up but I were being all noble and stuff so I forgived him and then I stole his cows ear.

Posted by Shelby at 10:46 AM | Comments (7)

July 18, 2008

Some people don't know when they am good off!

Do you know what David said to me?
You'll never guess!
He said I complain about EVERYTHING!
Darn right I do! If I doesn't complain then nobody around here ever fixes nothing! And I could go hungry or not get the pets I need or not gets all the cookies I deserve!
It would be very terrible!
At least for me.
There am plenty of things I should be complaining about but I don't! Mainly because David don't even fix the things I is already complaining about!
And he said, "Shelby, if you had a kajillion dollars you'd complain about having to pay taxes on it." TAXES!
Why would they wants a poor little bitty dog like me who has no money to gives them taxes! You have to complain about that and you know you do!
Even Old Blue him are complaining. He says it am too hot and he says he am not getting him no haircut no matter how hot it gets.
See Robin didn't complain and he got him a haircut.
We is laughing at him but we can't put up no picture because he said he would get mad at me if I do.
Robin said, "If my mom wants me looking all stupid she has a really good reason! That doesn't mean you should make people laugh at me!"
Boys. There am something else people should all be doing more complaining about. Boys!
One thing no one complains about am their old friends.
I has heard me from J-Dog and Jack. Neither one of them sent me no presents.
J-Dog she am doing pretty good. She says that she gets to pick blackberries right off the bush and eats them right up. Her forever home has it a food tree!
I don't has me no food tree but you notice I isn't complaining about that. I isn't even complaining about J-Dog not sending me none of them delicious blackberries!
I knows J-Dog pretty good. If she am eating something you know it am delicious!
She is pretty happy in her forever home. She says she's sure not leaving it!
Jack has writed me with some very big news. He am going to have him a brother or a sister. He hasn't figured this part out yet. I don't know why he can't figure out what his new sister am going to be a boy or a girl.
If I was there I could figure it all out and smells it up just like that!
Jack am him pretty happy about this. I hope his new sister am a girl. It takes a good girl to smarten Jack up you know.
Jack did send me a movie. A movie am not a present. You can't eat it!

It am a pretty good movie. Pretty good. It am not a great movie cause I isn't in it! You can watches it anyway.
I has to take me a nap and figure out what else am wrong around here.
Not that anybody will ever fixes nothing around here.
Unless of course I does it. That am always the way it am. I has to do EVERYTHING!
It am a good thing I is so great.

Posted by Shelby at 8:28 PM | Comments (1)

July 4, 2008

Jimmy's Summer Vacation

My brother comes to visit me so he can steal all my friends!
Its true!
Last time he comed he was all buddy buddy with my friend J-Dog. But she am a girl and a girl am always smarter than any old boy. But this time Jimmy am saying his best friend am BLUE!!
Two boys. I is shaking my head, and pointing my eyes up at the ceiling at the same time.
You should try it and then you will know exactly how I feels about that!
But that am not what am really really important.
No.
I tooks all them boys to my lake so they could do them some super scientific investigating.
I know I is so great that it am sometimes very hard for you to remember all the things I is great at. One of the things I is great at am being a super scientific experimenter discover girl!
Here am proof. At the lake I has made this great discovery. Just look!!
That's right! Shelby, your modest friend, has made her another great scientifical discovery!
I has found a new kind of dinosaur!!!
It am a very interesting dinosaur. I know it am a new kind because it am tasting terrible! And everybody knows dinosaurs am usually very delicious.
If they was not so good tasting they would probably be whole lots more dinosaurs running around today!
The best thing about making a new scientifical discovery is that the discoverer (who am me) gets to name what it is they has found! Naming stuff am almost as much fun as discovering stuff! You probably don't know that because you has not discovered much stuff. I am always making great discoveries so I is very experienced in this.
You is probably saying to yourself, "Shelby will probably call her new dinosaur a Shelbysaurus! That is a great name!"
You is right. That would be a great name. But you am wrong too. I just told you the good part first so you wouldn't feel like a dumb old boy. I is so polite. Sometimes.
For a while I used my giant brain to thinks up a real good joke name. Just imagine if you went to school and opened your books and had to learn all about the "Poopis-head-stinky-tasting-spotted-yukkyy-saur!" That would be such a good joke!
But a new kind of dinosaur am too serious a thing to make jokes about even real good jokes like that! I was thinking of the second greatest dinosaur discoverer in the world: My buddy Ben. We once fought a whole passel of dinosaurs together and we even found us a snake! Cause Ben were my friend and cause he were a great discoverer I is naming this new dinosaur guy Benjisaurus Rex!
You has to pretend they is a whole big band playing and drums bashing and stuff then you has to say BENJISAURUS REX in a real big voice!. That am what they usually does when a great scientist am naming stuff.
Now you am probably saying, "Shelby, this is a very important announcement about the new dinosaur you've discovered but we all really want to know about your handsome brother Jimmy and how his visit went!"
Sometimes you is very pushy. I was going to get to it!
That am Jimmy. He comed.
He bought me LOTS of presents! Like a moose and some pizza cookies and some salmon cookies and some cow toes.
I wonders if Jimmy knows how lucky he am to have such a great sister to give stuff to. Just think of all the poor boys out there who want to be all nice and generous and who doesn't has them no great sister! Poor dumb old boys.
Jimmy sure am lucky he can gives stuff to me!
When Jimmy first got here he tried to beat me up! He did. He said he had been exercising and taking fighting lessons from some police dogs. I figure they was boy police dogs cause Jimmy sure don't fight him no gooder! I beat him up real easy!
That am good good for Jimmy cause when you is a girl dog, after you beats somebody up, even if it am your brother you has to be friends with them! Even with boys.
It am a rule or something.
So I introduced Jimmy to Robin and Blue. I didn't has to introduce him to dumb old David. Jimmy sure remembered him. He said David has sure not gotted himself no smarter! I has to agree with him about that! It am very embarrassing especially since you know how hard I works trying to teach David something. I'd be happy if he would learn him anything!
So I was showing Jimmy around my yard and showing him which of my neighbor dogs he has to bark fight with and where the rabbits has dug them some holes when the next thing I know he Jimmy am not listening (Does boys EVER listen?) I looks up and Jimmy am off playing with his new best friend BLUE!
He was even trying to teach Blue how to drive his car!!
Blue am too big to even fit in a car right! How can he drives it?!?
See, there am photographical proof! Blues big old head am denting the ceiling and making big old lumps in the roof!
Boys! All you can do am shake your head real slow. Like I does.
Jimmy says, "Big sister, please take us to your lake. And please let Blue and Robin come!"
Aunt Sheryl, Uncle Chuck, David and mare comed along with us. I don't know why them people comed. I guess it were to make sure us dogs didn't have so much fun we forgets to go home!
I think the lake were the best part of Jimmy's Summer Vacation. It were pretty good. Pretty good.
Of course I won the race! When you am with your borther you is always racing no matter what it am you is doing. Jimmy kept him trying too but I is just a greater racer! And even while I was racing I discovered me a new dinosaur and a turtle! (Turtles probably look like dinosaurs to you but I is a scientist so I knows they am just turtles. But they are very exciting for something that am not a dinosaur.)
Everybody loves going to Lake Shelby. (See, I discovered it so it am mine and I named it.) See Robin up there. He were saying, "Gosh Shelby, your lake is sure beautiful"
That am so. Now you needs to take a look at that picture over there.
This over there! -->
See, some peoples looks at that picture and they say, "Oh my! What a pair of handsome dogs!" or, "Ooo, doesn't that look beautiful! The blue sky, the shimmering clear water the vast expanse of trees!"
They am wrong.
What that am a picture of is two big butts!!
Poodle butts just ripe for biting!
I was going to get me some good bites in too but then Jimmy decided to play a good joke on Uncle Chuck. See Jimmy would jump in the water and then he'd just jump all over Uncle Chuck. Oh we was all laughing at that. So Jimmy did it again and again!
You know it just kept getting funnier every time he did it!
And then, you know what? Jimmy's vacation were over. He had to go back home. I thought Blue were going to cry. Blue kept him saying "Jimmy, I will come visits you!"
He kept telling Robin that Jimmy were his new best friend and he kept him saying, "Well, Jimmy says this and Jimmy says that." Blue were very boring. Everyone am boring when they am not talking about me!
But I am pretty glad Jimmy did come to see me. He bought me lots of good presents and that am very very important.
I gived him a great present too. I gived him a whole cow's ear!
I didn't want to. David made me.
I hope Jimmy comes to see me some more. And brings me more presents!
He tried to kiss me!!

Posted by Shelby at 8:53 PM | Comments (2)